Attachment Styles and How They Show Up in Adult Relationships
Our earliest relationships shape the way we experience closeness, safety and emotional connection. From a young age we learn what to expect from others and what is expected of us. These early patterns often continue into adulthood and influence how we relate to partners, friends, colleagues and even our children.
Attachment theory helps us understand these relational patterns. When caregivers were emotionally available, consistent and responsive, many people develop what is known as secure attachment. This often shows up as feeling comfortable with intimacy, being able to trust others, communicate needs and tolerate both closeness and independence within relationships.
When care was inconsistent, unpredictable, emotionally unavailable or overwhelming, different attachment patterns can develop. Anxious attachment often involves a strong need for reassurance, fear of abandonment and heightened sensitivity to changes in closeness. You might notice yourself worrying about being left, reading deeply into messages or tone, or feeling unsettled when someone pulls away emotionally.
Avoidant attachment can look quite different. People with this pattern often value independence highly and may feel uncomfortable with emotional vulnerability. You might find yourself pulling away when relationships become too close, struggling to express emotions, or feeling overwhelmed by other people’s needs.
Some people experience a mixture of both patterns, depending on the relationship or situation. These responses are not flaws. They are adaptations that once helped you navigate emotional environments that did not always feel safe.
As adults, these attachment patterns can create repeated relational difficulties. You might find yourself drawn to emotionally unavailable partners. You might struggle with trust or feel easily triggered by conflict. You might notice cycles of closeness followed by withdrawal that feel confusing and painful.
In therapy, we work gently with these patterns. Rather than trying to force change, the focus is on understanding your emotional responses and building awareness. By exploring your early relational experiences, we begin to make sense of how these patterns developed and how they continue to influence your current relationships.
The therapeutic relationship itself can become an important part of this work. Experiencing a consistent, emotionally attuned and supportive relationship can offer a new relational experience. Over time this can help you develop a stronger sense of emotional safety and trust.
This process often involves learning to recognise triggers, developing healthier ways to express needs, and building tolerance for vulnerability. It also involves learning to offer yourself more compassion. Many people carry shame about their attachment patterns, believing there is something wrong with them. In reality, these patterns reflect understandable responses to early emotional experiences.
Change takes time and patience. Attachment patterns are deeply rooted, but they are not fixed. With support, awareness and relational healing, it is possible to develop more secure ways of connecting with others.
If you find that relationship difficulties are a recurring theme in your life, it may be helpful to explore these patterns in therapy. In my practice, I work relationally and psychodynamically, supporting clients to understand their emotional history and how it continues to shape their present experiences. You can find more information about my approach on my website.
