Boundaries: What They Really Mean and Why They Are So Hard to Set
Boundaries are often misunderstood. Many people think they are about being strict or pushing others away. In reality, boundaries are about clarity, care, and self-respect. They are the ways we protect our energy, our emotions, and our wellbeing, while still being able to connect with others. Boundaries allow us to decide what we accept and what we do not, not to punish or control, but to preserve the parts of ourselves that need attention and safety.
I often meet clients who struggle with boundaries. They tell me they feel drained by other people, overwhelmed by requests, or guilty when they say no. They may notice that they give too much and receive too little. Or they may realise that their own needs get lost while they focus on keeping everyone else happy. These patterns are rarely accidental. They are often learned very early in life. Sometimes we grow up in families where our feelings were dismissed, our needs were secondary, or we were rewarded for pleasing others. Sometimes society teaches us that being helpful, kind, or compliant is more valuable than protecting our own space. Over time, this can make it hard to recognise what we need or to voice those needs confidently.
In therapy, we can explore these patterns and begin to understand them. I offer a safe space where you can notice the ways you are giving yourself away, where you can reflect on your choices, and where you can practise expressing your needs without fear of judgement. Together, we look at how boundaries have been shaped, how they show up in your life, and what it feels like when you try to enforce them. This exploration can be challenging. It can stir up guilt, anxiety, and fear of disappointing others, but it also opens the door to a more authentic way of living.
Setting boundaries is not about cutting people out or becoming rigid. It is about making choices that support your wellbeing. It is about recognising that your time, energy, and emotions are valuable. In sessions, I often encourage clients to notice when they feel uncomfortable, resentful, or exhausted. These feelings are often signs that a boundary is needed. By learning to identify and respond to these signals, you can start to take small steps toward asserting your limits.
The process of establishing boundaries often starts with reflection. You might consider what feels acceptable to you in different relationships. What behaviours or requests drain you? What support or attention do you need? When you begin to articulate these things to yourself, it becomes easier to communicate them to others. And as you practice, you may notice a shift. Saying no can feel empowering rather than selfish. Prioritising your needs can feel healthy rather than wrong. You may begin to see that respecting yourself does not damage your relationships but strengthens them.
I often work with clients to practice boundary setting in ways that feel manageable. This might be as simple as asking for a pause before agreeing to a request or expressing how a particular behaviour affects you. It might mean taking a step back from situations that feel overwhelming or choosing to invest energy in people who respect your limits. Therapy provides a space to rehearse these experiences, process the emotions that come up, and build confidence in enforcing your boundaries. Over time, these small steps create a stronger sense of self and a clearer sense of what you will and will not accept.
Learning to maintain boundaries can transform your relationships. When you set limits, you communicate to others what is important to you and what you need. People begin to understand and respect your space. You may notice that connections become more honest and more meaningful. Boundaries also create room for self-compassion. They remind you that your wellbeing matters and that you are worthy of protection and care.
In my counselling practice, I have seen how powerful this work can be. Clients often come in feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or guilty, believing that prioritising themselves is wrong. Over time, as they explore their experiences, practise expressing needs, and receive support in managing reactions, they begin to experience freedom. They realise that boundaries are not barriers but invitations to healthier, more balanced relationships with themselves and others.
Establishing boundaries is rarely simple or linear. There may be setbacks, discomfort, and old habits that resurface. But each time you notice your feelings, reflect on what you need, and take a step toward expressing it, you are building a life that honours you. Therapy can be a guide in this journey, offering support, encouragement, and a safe space to practise being seen as you are.
When you start to respect your limits and articulate your needs, life begins to feel more manageable and more aligned with your values. You can move through relationships with honesty and presence, choosing connection over obligation, care over self-neglect, and authenticity over performance. This is the power of boundaries, and learning to set them can be one of the most transformative aspects of therapy.
